Without You I'll Be Miserable At Best
by tacotheshark
Summary: Alternate Title: "Say You Love Me." Mayday Parade: Jake/Derek.


Derek woke up, the emptiness next to him too obvious to let him relax again. It was too dark in the room to see anything, but he couldn't hear Jake's heavy breathing that he had gotten so used to, and when he ran his hand over the mattress in the space next to him, he couldn't feel anything there. Normally he would assume that Jake got up to get a glass of water or something, which was usually the case, but this time he knew. He couldn't even say why he knew. He just knew. Jake was nowhere inside the house, and probably nowhere close outside either.  
At first, Derek was too shocked and scared to react, or really do anything. Maybe, maybe Jake had been kidnapped? There's no way he would leave on purpose, or at least Derek hoped. Derek slowly got up and made his way over to the wall, where the light switch was. He was trying to be careful not to trip over anything, which he didn't need to do, but he was panicking too much to remember that there was a lamp right next to the bed. Now that there was light, Derek could see a small piece of paper on the bed. He could also see that there was writing on it.  
Derek really didn't know what he was hoping for. If the paper was a ransom note or something, Jake would probably get hurt, and Derek wouldn't be able to stand that without doing anything about it. If it was from Jake, Derek didn't even know what to do. He didn't want to think about it, but he couldn't avoid the thoughts. He inched back toward the bed, wanted to put off reading the note for as long as possible. Watching his hand, he shakily reached forward, grabbing the paper with his fist. It crumpled, and Derek could see every little line and crease. Everything seemed so much thicker, and every little detail seemed so much more obvious. Like the fact that Jake's side of the bed was completely made, with the edge of the blanket tucked under the pillow and everything. And that the TV was turned off, even though Jake liked to leave it on to fall asleep.  
Derek unfolded the paper and held it up to his face. It was from Jake. He began to read, and with every line, his sight started to blur. Tears dripped onto the paper, and mixed with fresh ink.

_Derek,___

_I love you.__  
__I always have, and I always will.__  
__I'm going to miss you, and I doubt that we'll see each other again any time soon.__  
__There's something else that needs me right now, and I might not come back.__  
__I'm sorry.___

_-Jake._

"No," Derek mumbled under his breath. "No!" he repeated, louder this time. It was too quiet for someone else to hear if they were there, but to Derek it seemed to shake the walls. His legs were shaking, and he wanted to sit, but he couldn't move. All he could do was stare at the note. Soon, his whole body was shaking, and he collapsed on the bed. _His_ bed. Everything in the house was _his_ now. He was alone in the whole, huge thing. "Alone," he whispered to himself, before breaking out into more violent tears. He hugged Jake's note to his chest, and stayed like that. The tears wouldn't stop, and that just made Derek want to cry more.  
Derek didn't realize how much time had passed, or that time was passing at all. He jumped when his alarm clock beeped, signaling that it was already 11:00. He realized that he must have cried on the bed for at least 6 hours straight, but he didn't care.  
Derek decided he had to go somewhere. Anything to take his mind off of Jake. He got up, and the floor creaked as walked across the hall to the bathroom to take a shower. Everything seemed so much louder since the night before. As he stripped off his clothes, and let the hot water splash against his body, he was instantly reminded of Jake and how they used to sometimes shower together. It's strange how a situation could be so similar, but with something missing, could send everything in a completely different direction.  
Derek didn't want to cry again, but he couldn't hold it back. Tears mixed with hot water and splashed at his feet. He couldn't help but think of how much of a mess he was right now. He forced himself to stop crying, and stepped out of the shower. He numbly got dressed, not bothering to dry his hair, simply putting on a hat instead. He wondered where he could go, then realized he didn't care where he went. He just wanted to go somewhere. He left the house and locked the door, being reminded again of how no one was inside, and he would be alone again when he got back.  
Sunlight splashed on the sidewalk and on Derek's feet. People were everywhere. Everyone seemed so happy, and Derek felt as if they were mocking him. It's too sunny for this, he thought, Why am I the only miserable one? He pulled his hat down closer to his eyes. He really didn't want to make eye contact with anyone.  
Derek decided he would go to the park. No one was ever there anyway. He figured it would be a peaceful. He walked in the direction of the park, looking down at his feet and thinking only about getting there. He passed a store, he didn't bother looking at the name, but they had a song by Four Year Strong playing on the radio inside. He remembered it as Jake's favorite song. When he got to the park, he sat on one of the swings, dragging his feet against the dirt under him. His now dried hair brushed against his cheeks as he built up a steady rhythm swinging. He closed his eyes, concentrating only on the wind in his face. He didn't go high up at all, but it still felt nice.  
"Havin' fun there?"  
Derek slowed, and made a quick stop. He glared at the man who was now sitting on the swing next to him. "Fuck off."  
"Come on,"  
Derek glared at him again.  
"There's obviously something wrong, and I thought you might want to talk about it. Besides, I'm a total stranger, so what's the harm?"  
"I said. _Fuck. Off._"  
"Geez. Girlfriend problems?"  
_"No."_ Derek spat bitterly.  
"Family problems?"  
_"No."_  
"Someone died?"  
_"No!"_  
"What then?"  
"It's none of your fucking busine-"  
"Boyfriend problems?" The stranger raised one eyebrow.  
"Fuck off!" Derek repeated.  
"Yeah?"  
Derek said nothing.  
"You should tell me what happened."  
Derek still said nothing.  
"I'm Jason," the stranger said and held out his hand for Derek to shake. Derek ignored it.  
"Why won't you talk to me?"  
"Because you're fucking annoying!" Derek practically screamed.  
"I'm not gonna leave until you tell me what happened," Jason said calmly, smiling a little.  
Derek sighed. "I woke up and he was gone," was all he meant to say, but words started coming out of his mouth and he did nothing to stop them. "All his stuff was gone. He left a note and he's not coming back because there's someone else and now everything reminds me of him, even this park because we used to come here all the time, and also everything inside our house and I have to live there every day and," Derek's eyes started to water. "And there's no way I'll ever forget about him and there's nothing I can do. I'll never see him again." Tears were dripping down Derek's face, and normally he would be embarrassed about crying in front of a stranger but he didn't care, because he did feel a little better after talking about it.  
"Oh… oh wow," Jason's eyes widened. "I- I'm sorry."  
"I actually feel a little better after talking about it," Derek tried to smile, but failed. "I'm Derek by the way." He sniffed and brought his hand up to cover his nose and mouth. "I'm sorry. I can't stop crying." He apologized, and his words were muffled by his hand.  
"Oh, no, it's fine. I mean, I don't blame you."  
"I'm a mess, aren't I," Derek choked out.  
"Well, yeah. But I would be too if my girlfriend did something like that."  
Derek nodded.  
"Hey, want to come back to my house? My girlfriend could help you out. She's really sensitive. Also really good at giving advice."  
"Um, okay. Sure. You're- you're not a serial killer or anything, right?" Derek failed to smile again, but Jason did smile.  
"No, I'm not."  
"Okay." Derek stood up, and Jason did as well.  
"I walked here. You could just follow me."  
So Derek did. They mostly walked in silence. It wasn't long before they arrived at Jason's house. Jason unlocked the door and both men went inside. There was a girl sitting on the living room couch, watching TV. She looked tall, and had long, vibrant red hair. Derek assumed she was Jason's girlfriend. He was right  
"Hey Kayleigh. this is Derek. I met him at the park." Jason said.  
"Um, okay." Kayleigh chuckled. "Why is he here?"  
"He's going through something and I was thinking you could talk to him."  
Derek just stood there next to Jason. He thought he had been in awkward situations before, but no, _this_was the definition of an awkward situation. At least he stopped crying, and too much hair was in his face for anyone to be able to tell that he had been.  
"Oh, um, of course. Derek, do you want some tea?"  
"O-okay," Derek stuttered, and Kayleigh ran to the kitchen, apparently to make some tea.  
"Guys, come in here!" Kayleigh called, and we did.  
The tea was ready, and Jason and I both sat down at the table.  
"Jason, leave. No offense, but you suck at this." Kayleigh said playfully. Jason stood up and left.  
Kayleigh poured us both a cup of tea and sat next to me. "So, what's going on?"  
"Well, um, I had this boyfriend, a-and, his name was Jake, and, um, so l-last night, I woke up in the middle of the night, I don't know what the time was but it doesn't really matter. And, I realized that Jake wasn't there. And I found a note from him, and he said that he left because there's someone else, and, he's not coming back." Derek started to cry, _again_.  
"Oh…" Kayleigh started. "That's- that's terrible."  
Derek nodded.  
"Are you mad at him?"  
"N-no. I can't be. Ever. I love him."  
Derek and Kayleigh talked for a while. Derek cried, _a lot_. And Kayleigh consoled him a lot. Derek was starting to feel better, and he decided he should go back home. He declined Jason's offer to drive him home, instead just walking back to the park, and walking back to his house from there.  
Derek got back to his house, unlocked the door, and stepped inside, locking the door again. He realized that tonight would be the first time in over a year he would sleep alone, without Jake's muscled arms wrapped around him and Jake's steady breathing lulling him to sleep. Now that there was no one around, Derek could cry as much as he wanted without feeling awkward, and he did. Nothing felt worse to Derek than being in a huge, empty house all by himself. He thought about Jake, and only Jake, and he didn't even care if he shouldn't, because Jake was the only thing he _wanted_ to think about.

-

As the weeks passed, Derek didn't feel any better. He cried every night, and always dreamed about Jake. The possibility of forgetting him was far from realistic. Most of the time, Derek felt numb, and the only pain he could feel was emotional. And he was tired of all of it.

-

Derek sat on the kitchen table, staring at the knife on the counter in front of him. Was he really going to do this? He had to, he kept telling himself. He knew he wanted to, but he was scared of what people would think if they found out. A thought told him that he didn't care what people thought about him anymore, and he shakily reached for the knife. He held his left arm in front of him, and drew a shakily line with the knife on his left wrist. Blood came out slowly, and then started to flow. Derek took a paper towel and some gauze and bandaged the wound, before he got blood all over the kitchen.  
He didn't know what just happened; he just knew he had to do it again.

-

Derek sat in Starbucks, wearing a long-sleeved jacket to hide the scars that ran down both of his arms. He originally didn't plan on getting anything, but he figured he might as well. He walked up to the counter, and there was no line since there was barely anyone in the store. The barista's name tag read 'Alex'.  
"Hi, um, could I have a grande vanilla frappucino? Please?"  
I got my drink from Alex, and when I handed him the money, one of my sleeves slid up my arm. I quickly pulled it back down, but Alex still saw.  
"Why?" He said simply.  
"I'm going through something, and it feels good. Are you anyone to judge? I didn't think so." Derek grabbed his drink and stormed out, leaving his change. He found a bench outside and sat, slowly sipping his frappuccino. And he started to think; Why? _Why do I even do it? Why do I like it so much?_ He couldn't come up with an answer.

-

It had been almost three months since Jake left. Derek found himself looking at old pictures of them almost every day. He looked so happy in all of them. Who would have ever guessed that he would turn into _this?_Derek was doing just that, when he heard the doorbell ring. He threw the book on the ground next to his bed, and hurried downstairs to get the door. His hair was a mess, and he didn't have his arms covered, but no one important would be here this late at night, so he didn't really care.  
Derek unlocked and opened the door. He stared, and almost smacked himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. There was someone standing there, was it…? The man at the door shifted his weight, and the light from a streetlight shined across his face.  
"Hi," Derek choked, biting his lip and looking down.  
"Hi," Jake smiled. "I missed you," he stepped closer and hugged Derek. He was too shocked to do anything but clutch Jake to him, and bury his face in Jake's shoulder. Derek couldn't help but start to cry.  
"Wh-why are you here?" He said softly.  
"I missed you. I still love you. I realized I couldn't live without you, and if I could I would always be miserable. Please, take my back. I was stupid. I love you." Jake ran his hand down Derek's left arm, and must have felt the scars. "Derek, wh-why did you do this?"  
"Because you left me," Derek said simply, still sobbing into Jake's shoulder.  
"Oh my God," Jake said, and held Derek, practically squeezing him. " I'm so sorry. I didn't know you would be so upset."  
"Well I was. But that doesn't matter anymore, because now you're here."  
"It's late," Jake commented. "Why are you up so late?"  
"I was looking at pictures of us."  
"I'm so sorry," Jake's voice cracked, and he started to cry too. "You should get to bed," he told Derek.  
"You-you'll come with me?"  
"Of course I will." Jake pulled away from their hug, and closed and locked the door. They walked upstairs to the bedroom, arm in arm, and Derek couldn't believe that this was happening. He would have thought it was a dream, but it was too real.  
They were in the bed, with the lights off, and the TV on and turned to a pointless channel, only for some light. Just like they were the night before Jake left.  
"I'm so sorry," Jake said again.  
"It's okay. All that matters is that you're here now."  
Jake smiled and leaned in to kiss Derek, and Derek kissed him back. That was the only thing that either of them had dreamed of for the past 3 months, and now it was happening.  
"Jake?"  
"Hmm?"  
"Do you want to, um, make love?"  
And they did, and Derek was happier than he had been even before Jake left. Because now he knew what life was like without Jake, and just loved him so much more.


End file.
